a story of depravity, grace, and redemption

With permission [and couple minor edits], I want to share a story of depravity, grace, and [ongoing] redemption. It may take you 10 minutes but it may be one of the most honest and hopeful things about being part of a church community and ministry you’ll read in a long time. 

This “faith story” was written by a woman at Quest as part of her journey to become a member – something we do not take lightly at our church since members constitute the base of our church’s leadership.

10 minutes.  Don’t bother to leave any comments.  Just read it…

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I do not come from a Christian family, did not attend a Christian college, and do not live in a Christian subculture.  Most of my friends are not Christians.  I am not at church to fill others’ expectations of me, to fit in with family or friends, or assuage any other sort of externalized expectation. In fact, I feel badly for anyone who is doing so for that reason.  For me, church, C-Group, individual bible study and prayer are vital spiritual supplements to the messages and realities of the secular culture that I wake up in, move around in, and stay awake at night thinking about.   This is the basis of why I want to be a member at Quest.  My faith can only grow and maintain if I’m able to use my energy to serve and learn within a community of believers.  I do not want only to be ministered to.  I want to minister and serve as a lay person, as a modest servant-leader within a community earnestly seeking Christ.  I want to be a host, not a guest.   

On the inside of my bible, I have several verses written.  One is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to God the Father of our Lord, Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  I do not believe in service or ministry being the role only of people who grew up in intact Christian homes, or got ministry degrees at a Christian college, or who have been at any given church the longest.  I believe it is the calling, the responsibility, and the joyous privilege of anyone who knows Christ and interacts with their world.  I am in a young marriage with a young baby, and live in a city and culture where marriages, church attendance, and core tenants of Christian parenting, are considered antiquated choices.  To this, I can respond only with the energy, the conviction, and the encouragement brought to me by God.  I believe I am intended in this season of my life to live and grow this conviction and energy at Quest Church. 

 

During my early childhood, my family was moderately religious.  We attended an Anglican church weekly, my parents were members but not particularly active.  I enjoyed Sunday school and there was effort on the part of my parents to raise my brother and I with basic values of non-judgment, charity, love of neighbour, service, truthfulness, and lack of materialism.  My family drifted from the church when I was about 10.  I think it’s fair to say we were “cultural” observers of Christianity. 

 

I believe that family is far from an idealized image for many people today, and that my generation lives with that knowledge very acutely.  My husband and I both live very aware of our own depravity, but also in the shadow of that of our own families’- witnessing emotional issues, substance use, failed dreams, unrealized potential, reversal of the parent/child roles, depravity concealed by middle-class gentility, and other shards of brokenness.  Faith is an individual state that we have reached and that is not similarly shared in our parents’ and siblings’ lives (previous generations, yes, but not those here in the world at this time).  Christ and the Church- Quest, and the Body of Christ- are a beacon to us in the face of contradictory messages about life, family, commitment, and honest living.  When our child was born recently, it was the meals from Quest that gave us the encouragement and practical assistance that we needed.  Our family, for various reasons, could not play the role that some do for new parents.  But Quest was there.  God worked through the front-porch drop-off meals and smiles and words of encouragement from members of the congregation. It strengthened our spirits, our parenting, and our marriage.  And perhaps God intended all of this very specifically- our child came into our lives, by surprise, just a couple of months after starting to attend Quest.     

 

Back to my timeline… Growing up, most of the observant people of faith that I knew were Jewish or Catholic.  I was welcomed into several practicing Jewish homes as a teenager through babysitting and friendship.  As an adult, I have an ongoing respect and interest in the Jewish faith tradition.  I have a similar respect for Catholicism.

 

When I entered college, I started going to the Anglican chapel service on campus.  I liked the ritual and mainly went for that.  It reminded me of when my family had gone years before, and I was generally just intrigued by religion and religious practices.  Very few others on campus attended the chapel, and I kind of viewed the whole interest as a quirk of mine.  I saw the concept of a “personal” faith as something contrived and not something I could particularly relate to, something you might hear a televangelist talking about during channel-surfing.  I saw Christianity as basically a social ideology that had a lot of beauty but was not transcendent or holy.  Something from the past, from a simpler time when we needed more answers given to us by religious myth.  To some extent, I think this is a common mindset amongst people of my generation.   

 

Towards the end of college, I entered a relationship with a fellow student who had been raised in a fairly legalistic, somewhat fundamentalist Christian family.  Their denomination and background was considered very obscure in that region, and unfortunately this contributed to them being continually on the defensive to the outside world. While legalistic, they were non-evangelical, in the sense that they did not seek to invite or otherwise persuade me to develop my faith.  In fact, they were fairly open in their belief that unless someone was raised from birth in a conservative Christian family, they probably would not be able to understand or live as a Christian should. I was pretty confident that what I was seeing was not the Christianity that was shared by all who termed themselves believers.  In an effort to check this for myself, I actually picked up the Bible and started reading the New Testament.  I did not become a Christian at that point, but I did become confident that the faith was worth exploring and that there was a basis for conclusions different than the ones I was being exposed to.   

 

This relationship became my first marriage, which ended in divorce.  My husband and I both sinned in ways that led to its destruction.  We had huge problems with the core parts of marriage that define the union as such- a cleaved, intimate, unmatched bond between an adult man and woman yoked and responsible to each other and to God.  I sought counseling for us before making the choice to end the marriage.  I petitioned for the divorce.  I had some involvement in a large suburban congregation, and I left because I was ashamed of choosing to divorce and also was discouraged by a congregation that had sparkling facilities yet few attendees in my own age and stage of life.  By this time, I considered myself a Christian- but didn’t know depravity.  Leading up to the divorce, I saw the ideal Christian woman as an unachievable hearts and flowers Madonna with a pastel pink bible and limited gender roles.  She was not a grand-daughter of the Old Testament women, could not be a warrior, could not set boundaries with others’ behavior, could not speak difficult truth, wasn’t particularly connected to the world around her, and was not me.  This didn’t help with my choices and probably caused more sin on my part at this point in my life- if you miss such a difficult mark, then you feel less point in attempting it.  I’m providing the shortest possible version of a short but sordid part of my life. 

 

So for the first time, I was really faced with my own depravity to an extent that I couldn’t ignore.  For a period, I couldn’t see myself returning to a church.  I felt that if I tried, God or other people would “find me out” to be the sinner that I am.  My husband encouraged me, and I really wanted to have a Christian marriage that was supported and developed by life within a church congregation.  We came to Quest because we were curious about the Q sign outside the cafe.  Quickly my “Q” got answered- that, yes, I could be a part of a church where I could be honest about myself and still received as a sister in Christ.  When I came to Quest, I was able to finally put a word to the failed parts of who I am (“depravity”), and see that failing is part of being a Christian- not an unconquerable obstacle to receiving God’s love, so long as we seek to repent and grow closer to God despite our shortcomings.  It’s funny because while I don’t just casually bring up my depravity, I’m also far more comfortable talking about it now that I know what it is.  “Sin” and being a “sinner” seems sort of detached and limited, but I can enthusiastically admit (and repent) to “depravity”. 

 

This has brought my awareness and worship of God to a new “heart” level within me.  Knowledge of my depravity at once both frees me and makes me more vigilant.  It helps me to know that God truly knows each of us individually, and through that grows and forgives each of us according to His will.  Now I have much more confidence that God intends us to live and develop within the unique way and life he crafts each of us into.  I still wrestle with guilt and doubt and reticence, still cringe at my own unworthiness.  But I have faith, I love God and I feel I can accept His love.  I can also see that over time God has revealed himself to me- illuminating my early efforts at reading Scripture, convicting and yet forgiving me of my failed marriage, forgiving my unworthiness in all its forms, and granting me a second, deeply Christian marriage with a fellow believer.  Christ has comforted me as I’ve despaired in the depravity of family members, the disappointment of plans gone awry and the confusing responsibility of many life choices.  As He has illuminated himself to me, I’ve accepted the journey and set out to grow closer to Him.

 

I think that I worship God first with my head.  Before I was at Quest, for several years, I sought to really develop some sort of understanding of Christian history, of the trends in the church in contemporary time, and a modest level of biblical literacy.  I’ve read around Christian social justice, bible study, prayer, the “emerging church”, small group leadership, and other subjects.  I’ve read classics and “Christian Top 10″.  I am interested in what occurs in congregations in this region and I am interested in general theological questions.  But I seek this knowledge with awareness that we are not to be divisive within the Body of Christ and I want to grow in this knowledge in order to better serve and witness in the church and world around me.  

 

Secondly, I worship God with my hands.  While I am at home with my child, I do volunteer regularly.  My husband supports me in this and we view it as part of our home’s calling to serve God.  I have worked a lot with crisis-type settings, through the King County Crisis Clinic/211, the Dispute Resolution Center, and the National Eating Disorders Helpline.  I received the training to volunteer at New Horizons Ministries (my pregnancy then kept me from starting with their ministry). Prior to motherhood, I have also been involved in the Tenants Union of Washington State (a small but energetic organization that is strongly involved with justice organizing and anti-bias work).  I sit on the Board of FamilyWorks, a food bank in Wallingford.  This is modest service and I try to be modest about it- I am conscious that Scripture teaches we should present our work only in modest terms and in the context of pointing towards God’s work.  But it’s part of my worship and I mention it when I think that it fits the conversation.  I attend a PEPS group and plan to be trained to lead one later this year.  I am also completing a Certificate in Non-Profit Management at the University of Washington.  My vocational calling is to provide servant leadership in non-profit settings doing work that directly impacts the lives of people in my immediate community.  I also tend to examine issues through a political lens, although I do not believe that God is represented or exclusively sides with any one part of our culture’s political spectrum.  This is part of how I worship God with my hands.

 

Wrestling with the deeper awareness of my brokenness has brought me to worship God more with my heart as well.  In my remarriage, in my time at Quest, and generally over the last two years, I’ve felt worship and awareness in a core level that I had not before.  I strongly now have the conviction of the Christian life not as a calling for those who are perfect or who would present themselves that way.  Instead Christian faith is a lifelong process of God chiseling and nurturing us, convicting us and encouraging us.  I do not believe in, or wish to present, a “pastel silk flowers” Christianity.  I want to be salt and light.  Not flowers and euphemisms.

 

I don’t know where to put this, so I’ll note just now that as I see brokenness in myself, I see it also in Quest.  My husband mentioned that Pastor Eugene wants prospective members to have been around Quest long enough to see what they like- and what they don’t like.   I’ll be honest and say that I see some of that, too.  I’ve witnessed women that I am coming to know and respect as sisters in Christ also hide their brokenness behind backgrounds of long-time belief and established Christian backgrounds.  Just as I would if I were they.  I see people who seem to be singularly lacking in energy in terms of pursuing their faith.  Just as I would be, if I were they.   I see a breakout of “busyness” preventing people’s growing involvement.  I see ministries that don’t exist that dearly need to, probably in part due to that “busyness”.  I see people with a wonderful passion for international ministry who are reticent- perhaps even, yes, judgmental- around the validity of local service.  Just as I would, if I shared their calling.  So I see brokenness, but it is within the midst of a congregation with such potential and such already-realized beauty.  Perhaps how God views me, and almost certainly where He seeks to place me.    

 

I live for God’s approval, and aim to live in His service.  I intend to live a Christian marriage and grow a Christian home where all those raised up in it can come closer to Christ.  I am married to a Godly man who ministers to me with Christ-like love, and who seeks to know Christ and admit his own depravity in equal measure.  Together we want to be part of, and grow within, an environment of belief where we can grow in belief day-to-day, and idea-to-ideal.  We’d like to host and/or lead a community group.  We’d like to be an ongoing part of the meals ministry at Quest, we are refreshed by Sunday service, and we would like to see Depth classes flourish multiple nights a week, on multiple subjects.  I intend to stay active in my contributions to organizations in the region that do God’s work, whether in secular or ministry terms.  I hope that with time I can be delegated chances to serve within the congregation.  I would be particularly interested in working within any form of listening ministry or women’s ministry, as those are the two areas that I feel particularly pulled to within congregational life in this season.  Also, I have found tremendous encouragement in growing my basic knowledge of Scripture and I would love to facilitate other women finding the same encouragement.  I believe that God wants me to use my experiences, in community work and personally, to help nurture and support others in faith.  I think Quest is the place for me to do this, and membership is the next step in the route to that.  

Filed under: quest church, religion